my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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