Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
