went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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