ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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