I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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