after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
