It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
this hospital has no fireball
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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