guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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