I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You're like the curious george of whores
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
