I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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