I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
