how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
