If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
