So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
