Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
