Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
