i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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