You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
