I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
