if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
