Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
