I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
