You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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