I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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