I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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