just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The power of my boobs compel you
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
