There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
