smell my finger.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
