atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
