My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
