Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
