Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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