I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
