my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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