all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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