i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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