Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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