Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
