Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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