had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
