she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
