I can't watch pbs sober anymore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
