fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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