So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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