zippers are such a cool invention
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
