just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Welp...herpes.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
