remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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