My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
