News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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