im drinking this country out of the recession.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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